Bonsai Meme War

BillsBayou said:
Best soil mix recipe:
1 part Akadama to keep people from complaining that you're not using Akadama
1 part haydite because Akadama is expensive
1 part zeolite to counter the lowered CEC value of the mix
1 part pumice for water retention because haydite and zeolite don't hold as much water as Akadama
1 part decomposed granite to lower water retention
1 part lava rock because granite isn't rough enough to encourage root ramification
1 part horticultural charcoal to filter toxins and allow for roots to expand
1 part pine bark because the horticultural charcoal sweetened the soil
1 part Chabasai because you heard a rumor and spent 2 years tracking it down and you want to put it in something, anything
1 part bio char to eliminate toxins introduced by exotic ingredients
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "A" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "B" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "C" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "D" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part milled peat to slow water drainage
1 part expanded shale to speed water drainage
1 part diatomaceous earth to protect against pests
1 part kitty litter because you're a cheap bastard
1 part NAPA 8822 because you didn't realize you already have diatomaceous earth in there
1 part crushed glass to keep the squirrels from digging in your pots
1 part crushed glass because you hate squirrels with a passion
1 part vermiculite to improve water retention after adding all that glass
1 part potassium polyacrylate crystals to hold/balance water retention
1 part Kanuma because it's Japanese and you'll buy anything because it's Japanese

I might have to come back to this. I'm sure I've forgotten something necessary and a few other Japanese ingredients because they're Japanese.
Click to expand...
You forgot to add the pickles
 
BillsBayou said:
Best soil mix recipe:
1 part Akadama to keep people from complaining that you're not using Akadama
1 part haydite because Akadama is expensive
1 part zeolite to counter the lowered CEC value of the mix
1 part pumice for water retention because haydite and zeolite don't hold as much water as Akadama
1 part decomposed granite to lower water retention
1 part lava rock because granite isn't rough enough to encourage root ramification
1 part horticultural charcoal to filter toxins and allow for roots to expand
1 part pine bark because the horticultural charcoal sweetened the soil
1 part Chabasai because you heard a rumor and spent 2 years tracking it down and you want to put it in something, anything
1 part bio char to eliminate toxins introduced by exotic ingredients
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "A" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "B" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "C" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "D" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part milled peat to slow water drainage
1 part expanded shale to speed water drainage
1 part diatomaceous earth to protect against pests
1 part kitty litter because you're a cheap bastard
1 part NAPA 8822 because you didn't realize you already have diatomaceous earth in there
1 part crushed glass to keep the squirrels from digging in your pots
1 part crushed glass because you hate squirrels with a passion
1 part vermiculite to improve water retention after adding all that glass
1 part potassium polyacrylate crystals to hold balance water retention
1 part Kanuma because it's Japanese and you'll buy anything because it's Japanese

I might have to come back to this. I'm sure I've forgotten something necessary and a few other Japanese ingredients because they're Japanese.
Click to expand...
You killed me Bill.
Shogun610 said:
You forgot to add the pickles
Click to expand...
Pickles are for the acid loving trees only!
 
Shogun610 said:
You forgot to add the pickles
Click to expand...
That's part of the best fertilizer/insecticide/fungicide/miticide/squirrelicide/perfecter/activator/anti-venom recipe:
1 part garlic to eliminate mites
1 part sour pickle relish to pucker the scale long enough for them to smell the garlic and leave
1 part sweet pickle relish to balance the acidity
1 part carrot peelings to improve the eyesight of ladybugs
1 part diatomaceous earth powder makes thrips itch
1 part granulated sugar to attract black ants (white woolly aphids are notoriously racist and will immediately leave)
1 part peanut shells to quickly attract squirrels
1 part cayenne pepper to keep squirrels frustrated until they die of stress
1 part ivermectin because some guy on Facebook said you should use it
1 part squirrel bone meal (you'll have plenty)
1 part wasabi, induces sneezing in aphids
1 part aspirin, wasabi gives ladybugs headaches
1 part canola oil to make leaves too slippery for slugs
1 part apple cider vinegar makes fungi think they're about to be pickled
1 part Elmer T. Lee Single Barrel bourbon
1 part crushed graham crackers
1 part shaved chocolate
1 part grated marshmallows
1 part balsa wood shavings, when termites get drunk and come out to make s'mores, you can spot them by their little campfires
 
BillsBayou said:
Best soil mix recipe:
1 part Akadama to keep people from complaining that you're not using Akadama
1 part haydite because Akadama is expensive
1 part zeolite to counter the lowered CEC value of the mix
1 part pumice for water retention because haydite and zeolite don't hold as much water as Akadama
1 part decomposed granite to lower water retention
1 part lava rock because granite isn't rough enough to encourage root ramification
1 part horticultural charcoal to filter toxins and allow for roots to expand
1 part pine bark because the horticultural charcoal sweetened the soil
1 part Chabasai because you heard a rumor and spent 2 years tracking it down and you want to put it in something, anything
1 part bio char to eliminate toxins introduced by exotic ingredients
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "A" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "B" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "C" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part Bonsai Soil Vendor "D" proprietary blend because someone recommended it without really knowing what's in it
1 part milled peat to slow water drainage
1 part expanded shale to speed water drainage
1 part diatomaceous earth to protect against pests
1 part kitty litter because you're a cheap bastard
1 part NAPA 8822 because you didn't realize you already have diatomaceous earth in there
1 part crushed glass to keep the squirrels from digging in your pots
1 part crushed glass because you hate squirrels with a passion
1 part vermiculite to improve water retention after adding all that glass
1 part potassium polyacrylate crystals to hold/balance water retention
1 part Kanuma because it's Japanese and you'll buy anything because it's Japanese

I might have to come back to this. I'm sure I've forgotten something necessary and a few other Japanese ingredients because they're Japanese.
Click to expand...
How many are stoked and making a pot of coffee with this printed list?
 
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