Jokes here please!

Guy who lived alone bought himself a parrot, thinking it would keep him company and also entertain any guests who visited. The parrot is was very talkative, but when guests came over, he cussed a blue streak: "You ##<*!amn <_=ch! Who th F#@* are you?" Etc, etc. Non-stop.
The owner tried everything for timeouts including a black shroud over the cage. The parrot just kept going.
Finally, the guy had a brilliant idea: He would put the parrot in the freezer! For just a few seconds A wake-up message.

The next day, when his lady friend came over, the parrot started cussing immediately. The owner put the parrot in the freezer for just 10 seconds. When he came out, the parrot was very meek and quietly said, " I have seen the error of my ways and will only use polite language from now on. But I have one question: What did the chicken do?"
 
sung to the tune of "Barbie Girl"

I'm a bonsai nut
In my bonsai hut.
Trunk's elastic;
Bend is drastic.
This is where I come
So I can get some
Decent advice,
But not tree lice.

let's go Berbis,
prune us curve us

Now what about substrate?
We can't get it straight.
Disagreements
about the treatments.
Watering too much
or even not enough
kills your trees Wow!
Windburn from breeze now.

let's go Celtis,
win the contest

You can start from seeds
plucking out the weeds;
cuttings, air layers,
ignore naysayers.
Trees can have flowers,
literati towers.
So many styles.
Plant them on tiles.

let's go Pinus,
please refine us
 
Desert O'Piñon said:
Decent advice,
But not tree lice.
Click to expand...
In my native language 'lice' is used for both head lice and aphids.

I once worked for one of the Evil Corporations, and an intern commended on the plant infection team for working without head covers.
"You guys must be really good at what you do, otherwise you would have worn at least a hair net!"
-"What do you mean? We're just doing counts on plants and taking pictures and notes. Why would we be wearing hair nets?"
"GUYS, YOU'RE IN A GREENHOUSE FULL OF LICE! HOW ARE YOU NOT SCARED OF GETTING THEM?!"

.. It was that day that Xander learned that head lice and plant lice were two entirely different things.
Xander wasn't the brightest kid.
 
When I was growing up, my brother and I spent part of each summer with my dad, stepmom, and twin red-headed stepsisters. (I know, it sounds like the lead up to any number of questionable jokes.)
One year, we decided to go to Chicago from Wichita, KS. Somewhere just west of St. Louis, we saw the billboard advertising a huge truckstop:

SPARKLING CLEAN RESTROOMS.

Also on the sign:

KIDS EAT FREE.
 
Taking a chance with this one. Hoping not to offend @Shibui.
Australian chess champion reflecting on his heritage:
My family came from Czechoslovakia. I'm a Czech, mate!
 
ShadyStump said:
A rough translation for everyone else.
It's the typical plant addict scene.
"But I don't have one of these yet!"
"No, put it down! We'll get you some help!"
Click to expand...
AlainK said:
Improve your ability to communicate in a foreig language :
Click to expand...
No translation required. This is my wife and I at any given garden center. She totally gets me!
 
James is a bonsai artist meeting with his doctor.
"I'm sorry to tell you, James, but you're sterile."

"I knew I should've chosen a different specialty."

"What do you mean?"

James says "I primarily grow gymnosperms!"
 
Not technically a joke but....

I google searched "schefflera bonsai" to get some styling ideas for some cuttings and I got these two results next to each other.... what are the odds?
 

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A young man went to visit his girlfriend's family on the farm. He was initially impressed with their warmth and hospitality, and wasn't worried when her father offered to show him around the farm, saying it would be a good opportunity for them to get to know each other.
They discussed values as they drove by the wheat fields, religion as they looked across the cattle in the pasture, and the meaning of manhood at the pond. As they came to the pig yard, the young man's curiosity prompted him to ask immediately about the large boar with the wooden leg.

"OH! That's Porky! I'm really surprised Angie didn't tell you about him, considering he saved her life when she almost drowned as a girl.

"Is that how he lost his leg?"

"Nosir! A few years later, on an especially cold night, Angie's electric blanket shorted out and caught her mattress ablaze. Porky broke out his pen and ran straight through the glass door and pulled her out through the flames. She barely got her hair slightly singed."

"Wow! What a hero!! So that's how he lost his leg?"

"Oh, no way! He'stoo tough tolet a littlefire hurt 'im."

"Well...
...then what happened to his leg?"

"Well, Son, you can't just eat a pig like that all at once!"
 
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